Blades of Grass Behind the Scenes and Under the Skin

They say you learn something new every day.

As a teacher, I hope that is true. It was for me this week. My own students asked me if I knew that grass cuts your skin. I thought they were trying to pull a fast one on me, but after a bit of research (it didn’t take long to find the answer), the truth is, what I read is that the reason you feel itchy after you’ve been in the grass is because the blades of grass are causing tiny scratches in your skin. It’s true! Don’t trust me? Look it up.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, sometimes there are those moments when something is said, someone does something that may seem so innocent at the time (just like grass), but hours, even days later, a trigger comes on. And then, for me, the panic sets in. What do you do if and when this happens? Often, the triggers we experience are the result of someone saying or doing something seemingly benign, but to us, the effect is anything but good. In fact, we may be living with blades of grass scratching our skin and cutting us for a longer period of time than just one moment or fragment of our lives.

This week, I was asked to seriously consider tightening my circle of people. I had allowed people inside my circle, even without my permission, because it seemed the natural way the relationship should live and breathe. But not every person in my life is a “safe” person. I’m slowly learning this, and while I learn, I am getting stronger in my recovery journey. I feel like a light has been shown over the truth that I’ve lived under for years.

I was asked by a good friend to consider researching the term “covert narcissist” and to think on individuals in my life who might fall into this category (and one in particular, who I had allowed in my safe circle for a long time). Definition? Drum roll, please?

Psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman writes in Scientific American:

While the “overt” narcissists tended to be aggressive, self-aggrandizing, exploitative, and have extreme delusions of grandeur and a need for attention, “covert” narcissists were more prone to feelings of neglect or belittlement, hypersensitivity, anxiety, and delusions of persecution. (http://www.bustle.com/articles/102813-10-signs-youre-a-covert-narcissist-not-just-an-introvert)

And guess what? My research led me to a realization: at least one of my “safe” people was not really safe, but a card carrying covert narcissist! And I’ve allowed this person into my circle! I never even realized how I was being affected by this individual until this week. And looking back, I am seeing more clearly how that person contributes to my regression in my healing from childhood trauma. While this person was not my abuser, he/she has definitely affected me . . . dare I say, “covertly”. Undercover. Just like those blades of grass. I had “rolled around” in the “safe” grass with someone who was hurting me all along, under the guise of “having my best interest” at heart. 

No. Way. Not any more. I still love that person. Dearly. But just because I love someone does NOT mean they have the right to play in my personal space, to enter my arena of living, to maintain a close relationship in my safe circle.

It’s my circle and I have a right to draw that circle in chalk that only I can use and erase and re-draw as I want and see fit.

It’s my circle. I decide who gets to come inside. And I’m tightening my circle.

It’s either that, or get cut by the blades of grass . . .

*Author’s note:  My name is Phoenix. I’m just a simple gal living a simple life for God. I’m a wife, mom, teacher, and writer/blogger. I want to let you know how humbled I am that you found my blog and chose to read the words God has given me this day. If you find this, or any other of these writings helpful or encouraging to you or someone you know, please feel free to share with your community/social media/e-mail, etc. I am willing to be used by God and welcome your extension of grace and encouragement.

Blessings to you all. I will rise . . .